it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
