my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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