I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You need Xanax blowdarts
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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