okay pat passed out under dana's car
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
