He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Send help, water and tortillas.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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