just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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