i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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