My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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