I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
