Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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