I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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