I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
