did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
