do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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