i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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