Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
