you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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