Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
