Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It was confusing and full of hummus
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
