Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
