I want to walk on stilts...naked
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
