So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
