I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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