i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
