i'm signing you up for texting rehab
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize