I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
