i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
