somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
