Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
