what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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