Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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