There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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