i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
