I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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