Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
