I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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