just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
