Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Hippo gnu deer
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
