the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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