dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
