i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Randomize
