this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
