I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
