i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
