the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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