If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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