dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
