You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
