why didn't you poke me back
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
