she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
