I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
