She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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