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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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