You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
