Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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