just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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