I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
